On November 2nd we will be meeting with some friends for dinner to celebrate a successful thesis defense of one of the group members and the conquering of malaria for another. I am looking forward to the dinner venue and the drinks/dessert at our house following. The thing I am not looking forward to is the pregnancy announcement by one of the couples in the group.
It is even harder to take since I am not really friends with them, but they are good friends of our friends. Basically, I know very little about them other than they have a kidney shaped garden and he is placing his seed inside her. The latter has nothing to do with the former, but strangely the two conversations I have had with this couple both involve fertilization of some sort. Now, I am not even certain that they are pg, but the conversation was this past spring and, well, most people do not hang out on this side of this statistics so I am shamefully assuming they are fertile. I am usually dead on with my preg-dar, it must compensate for my faulty gay-dar. Perhaps it was an evolution of my very own survival instinct, because if I was not prepared for some of the announcements I have endured I may have perished immediately.
How do I prepare myself for the announcement I know is coming as soon as the wine list starts to circulate? I will try not to cringe as the she in the couple tells the server she needs something non-alcoholic because she is pregnant. Does the server really care? Honestly, just order your ginger ale and drink it in silence as I shoot you scornful glances through my beer. Note to self: only order dark ale on Friday night.
Since we are adopting, many people seem to think my feelings toward fertiles are magically going to perish. These feelings took a solid 4 years to develop and not going to dissipate overnight. Part of my pain will reside with me forever. It is not the type of thing I will tattoo to my upper arm or speak of when asked about regret. In fact I don’t regret our path. I don’t regret that it didn’t work or that we didn’t try just one more time. My life philosophy doesn’t leave room for regret. I can be sad, but it should not be confused with regret. Although, we are rapidly pursuing adoption and are very excited about it, I cannot just rationalize away my feelings. As I have written before, adoption and infertility are two distinct paths. I can possess extreme joy and sadness at the same time. Yes, it is possible. No, it is not unhealthy. Denying my emotions and stuffing them away would be unhealthy.
So until the pain of still being infertile even though I am adopting remains, I will regress to the place I was when we were unsuccessfully trying but not outwardly infertile. It feels funny to have come this far and still be back where we were 3 years ago. People were finally beginning to understand that comments about our fertility may be frustrating to us, I fear that asking them to understand the complexity of my current state of mind will leave me friendless.
October 30, 2007 at 6:48 am
Well, said.
For us, adoption is something to celebrate. Still, it does not erase the thing we still mourn. (Even if the social workers want us to be done grieving, have resolved our infertility, etc.) I think it’s good to make your peace with infertility but it never goes away, it’s part of who we are.
You last line sent a chill through me. I have thought the exact same thought.
Good Luck Friday, maybe you can oder a few beer up front and build a little beer wall?
October 30, 2007 at 7:31 am
I know I don’t have any good advice regarding how to communicate your frustrations w/o those you’ve told not stick their mouths in their foot. Obviously if I had advice, I would give it to them, no you since it is not you at fault. It’s a bad case of ignorance on theirs.
If she does announce a pregnancy, steal her thunder. Announce you are adopting. Almost anyone can get knocked up, so your announcement on top of theirs should trump it…if you wanted to trump it. Plus, you still get to drink.
I tried to comment to your earlier post last night but our computer started an update right in the middle and vomited all over it. I was just going to say that if I see it’s an email that isn’t personally written by the sender, I delete it w/o even reading it.
October 30, 2007 at 7:33 am
Yipes. I’m pretty sure that this Saturday I’ll be bombarded with the “happy news” at a gathering of Mr. Sleepingcat’s friends. It’s so tough, and I never quite know how to handle it. Maybe: Order a really nice beer and some very rare meat (if you are a meat eater). Plan on sleeping late and doing something spur-of-the-moment the next day. ??? Occasionally I like to revel in the few things that I DO enjoy about pre-family life. (Though obviously I’d give up just about anything to be familied soon…)
Good luck. Keep us posted.
October 30, 2007 at 1:06 pm
Someone told me that adoption cures childlessness, not infertility. People think the same about us–that we’re adopting and it doesn’t matter that we couldn’t get pregnant. Not true. We’re thrilled to adopt; we’re also still sad that we couldn’t get pregnant. It doesn’t go away quickly, if at all. But it also doesn’t play such a large role in life forever, thankfully. I hope it goes well and is less painful than you think it will be.
October 30, 2007 at 1:29 pm
First of all, any real friends of yours will understand that time will pass and you will soon have a little one at home, but you’ll never get over the pain of not being able to have your own child. It would be a little strange if you didn’t have a hole in your heart. There’s space in your heart for sadness and for the love and happiness coming your way through adoption. On some level, anyone with half a brain should understand this, but some people, out of ignorance and stupidity, will not. Your good friends will know that your heart will always have room for both the pain and the joy.
We had a party at our house just last Friday where the very scenario you described unfolded, all in front of dear friends who has been going through the pain of infertility (E and K from the wedding). Another guest told a friend she was pregnant and, as things go at parties, the word spread quickly. She’s f-ing strong, just like you, but I know it was a shocker. I don’t have good advice – I like the idea of announcing your adoption – people love babies and learning that babies are coming their way spreads smiles. It seems the preggers people are the ones who focus on being preggers the most. I think that if she starts talking about what she’s gone through with her pregnancy, you should chat about the adoption process and how well it’s going for you guys. I can’t say this won’t be hard but I think you’ve got something just as amazing to share, celebrate, and discuss with friends – and everyone knows what comes with being preggers – few know the details of adoption – I bet you’ll have a better crowd! And I also like the suggestion of focusing on the nice things you won’t have to go through – you can still drink, you won’t gain weight/get stretch marks and have hormone craziness and you’ll be the hottest mama around!
October 30, 2007 at 7:20 pm
I SO could have written this word for word.
Soon after we decided adoption was right for us, I felt like an idiot. I was shocked that I still felt pain towards the fertile population! I convinced myself that we MUST have made the wrong decision! But your words made it make so much sense. They ARE two seperate paths-adoption and infertility.
So…thanks for putting it out there.
October 31, 2007 at 7:10 pm
Somehow, for me, anyway, feeling both joy and pain at the same time tends to dilute the joy a little, while doing nothing to diminish the pain.
November 12, 2007 at 12:37 pm
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