April 2007

This coming Wednesday officially marks a periodof 4 weeks since I surged positive on a OV tester kit.  4 weeks and no period, this sounds like a positive sign…  (ok, bad puns).

Any idea where my period is?  It was due April 20th/21st, but it is STILL NOT HERE. I went in for blood work on the following Monday and the HcG was negative and my progesterone was at 4.4.  Consequently I ovulated and every doctor that told me you always ovulate 2 weeks before your period now needs to eat dirt.  In the mean time,  I have POAS’ed enough times to that I am certain Clearblue Easy stock is going to soar due to record product sales.  This is especially annoying because we are set to start our final IVF when my period arrives.  Now we are almost 2 weeks off schedule and it is starting to impose on our summer plans.  To think, I was going to try an be all zen about this upcoming cycle.  Screw that – I am so post-zen right now.

If any of you find my period, please send that skank my way.  She has blown way past her curfew.


Did your mother ever tell you not to hate anyone because it is a strong word? Rather you can dislike someone, but you should never hate them. Hate is forever and too “strong” for us passive Minnesotans. My mother never told me not to hate but a friends mother did. My own mother was not and still is not very motherly – she is more concerned about her children liking her or what her bridge club ladies children are doing and how we compare. Now if one of her bridge club ladies told her child not to hate my mother would be calling a family meeting to make sure we also knew it was not good to hate.

To much dismay of Mrs. Mach, I hate someone. I even talk about how I hate this person to others and have declared her my arch enemy. The problem is that I have not exchanged more than a half dozen words with her and I guarantee she does not return the strong hatred of me because she most likely does not even know who I am. I mean, how could she know me, she would have to get her head out of her bubble and snag her nose down from the clouds. I guess she may know who I am because we were in a meeting together once – it was an orientation of sort and we have never really overlapped since. I went out of my way to annoy her, but she was too self engulfed to notice. I see her walking in the hallways, purchasing multiple laxative products at a nearby store, and walking around smugly with her perfectly shaped pregnant belly on her tall slender frame. (From my calculations, she purchased the laxatives early in her pregnancy most likely from constipation but I still thought it was funny) If that would not be enough, she has natural red hair with a slight amount of texture and for a white girl she can wear a modified head scarf and pull it off. I have even convinced a co-worker that she should hate her also – and she now does. Although she has actually had multiple conversations with said person and can confirm that my arch enemy thinks very highly of herself, she agreed to hate her for me. She even went so far to call her pregnant belly a swallowed softball and query who would even be able to knock her up because she is an uptight priss.

I guess I feel better that someone else hates her too.

My husband is a rampant cycler.  Not the fertility kind, but bi-cycler.  You know, road bike, Lance Armstrong, spandex?  So it would make sense then, if I tell you the homepage on our Explorer link is the the Cycling News website. Every-time it comes up I inevitably think about my cycle.  You know, CD 1, blood, the most clear sign there is that I am not pregnant yet I still do not trust it so I POAS, cycle.  Regardless, I thought this would be a much more clever name for a post and since it is rather dull I needed to connect the dots for you.

For those of you who find me again or follow me from comments I leave on someone else site, I thought I should give you a brief cycle update.  To recap – we failed IVF w/ICSI twice last fall.  Since November, I have been taking DHEA as part of a clinical trial Dr. Bowtie is randomly conducting to see if it improves anything.  We were set to start IVF last week, but in my predictable way, I developed a cyst on my right ovary (Lola) from the BC.  Having already aspirated 2 of these BC cysts, Dr. Bowtie decided to try something crazy and unheard of – err,  NOTHING that is.  So I am playing the wait it out game, waiting to see if the cyst went away with the start of CD 1 which is technically due tomorrow.  This is bothersome for many reasons…

  1. I was planning on running a 1/2 marathon in May and now I will not know if I am or am not pg during that race so I may not be able to run it – that is if it has gone away this month. If it has not gone away, I may still be able to run, but may be a few days into stims.
  2. If it has not gone away, I have to wait another month and that would put our transfer a few days before when we are scheduled to drive to BC for a friends wedding.  Not only will I be on “restriction” that week, but I will not be able to consume alcohol – serious bummer.
  3. I am trying so hard to get to my pre-infertility weight  and, while I am about 8 pounds away the painful cyst is preventing my from running.  Well, really it is not preventing my anymore because I know tweaked my right hip flexor.  I think that bitter cyst was messing around with things in there.
  4. Dr. Bowtie will not discuss next steps until he knows the outcome of this IVF.  That means we are seriously in limbo and left with options we do not even know if feasible until we have to make a decision about them.  I am SO uncomfortable not having the due time to obsess about things I have little control over.  Also, the next possible options include either adoption (ethiopia) or donor eggs with my younger more fertile sister.  Since she is a smoker who is very willing to quit if need be for me, I need at least 4 months notice so we can get new smoke-free eggs growing.
  5. Since time is out of our control (#4), I want to squeeze in a marathon this fall if this cycle fails.  The registration is 5/3 and I was hoping to know if I was pg or not by then so I could move onto the next steps, aka running a marathon.  Now, I will for certain have no idea and I am deciding if I should or should not register when I may or may not be able to run because I may be pg.

 Can you feel my pain?  I hate not having control over my fertility, much less my life.  I have a series of publisher printed calendars in a neatly marked “fertility calendars” manila folder that I have marked up with every possible scenario between now and October because for some reason this brings me a sort of calm.   I should mention that I carry this folder around with me in my purse just in case the panic rises and I need to pull it out to regain some control.

I wonder how many potential bloggers get all excited about blogging and eagerly open up a blogsp*t, typepad, or wordpress account only to post once and never again.  How much of cyberspace is taken up by these well intentioned on the fence semi-creative types?

Perhaps I should not be so judgemental since I almost was one.  Confession….. I AM one.

This blog you are reading is actually my third attempt at homesteading in blogland.  The first time I stayed a while with my infertility blog on a blogsp*t domain.  My general dislike of blogsp*t caused me to flee to wordpress where I, through an act lacking any and/or all creativity, opened up a wordpress account with the exact same name as my previous.  I again became a blogging refuge when I realized that blogsp*t can not be blamed entirely for the move.  Rather, I set up my first site as purely an infertility blog with the hope of connecting with fellow infertiles for cyber-support.  As a first time blogger, I was so excited, carrying around my URL in my wallet and bragging about my site to friends, co-workers, and pretty much anyone who would listen until I realized that the people who I need support from all read and know about my site.   Damn me.

So, after a few month hiatus, I am back with attitude, squatting on this new site.  If you recognize my spunk from before, please do not call me by the name you knew me as since I am now the infamous Jitters.