May 2007


Since I will be “inviting” all my previous blogger friends to my new and improved site, I thought I should add a few housekeeping notes…  (Note: If you have noticed a few more anonymous posts on your blog lately, some may be from me – I am testing the waters to see if I can get back into this again without loosing my sanity and becoming overly obsessed.)

First, we are officially in limbo land.  I have no idea what we are going to do next or if we even goingto do our final “package” IVF.  (A quick reminder – IVF #1 w/ICSI in 8/06 with poor response and no normal fertilization, IVF #2 w/ ICSI in 10/06 with low fertilization and low embryo viability, currently on DHEA to try to improve egg quality)

We are proceeding ahead with the adoption route. We have completed the physicals and are set to have the big application paperwork in by June 1 with our first official payment.  IfI had my say right now, I would skip the IVF all together and cut our losses, adopt a kid, and perhaps consider donor IVF with my sisters eggs in a few years.  Before you start plotting over who gets my already purchased follistim that greets me every morning next to the OJ and fish oil pills, note that my dr. REALLY does not want me to quit right now.  He madean effort to contact me personally to give me a pep talk and shower me with success stories of people who looked more desperate than me.  If he was not such a sincere and caring man, I would not even be considering his opinion, but since he is, I am in a quandary.  IF we do decide to go ahead with our final IVF, it will be scheduled around my natural cycle since they finally understand that for me BC = cysts = pain = me calling them constantly = delay in IVF.  I stopped dancing around their office and chanting “I told you so” after the last cyst when I was too pissed to dance in a way that did not involve violently whipping charts at sassy nurses.  The cyst partially resolved intime, but my E2 was still borderline and frankly, I was not in the mood for IVF, so we decided not to proceed with our final attempt.  Wehave a destination wedding in a few weeks and I would have found out the the results of the IVF on that trip and I was not prepared to go back to “that place” that IVF takes you.  These past 6 months with no treatment have actually been kind of nice and leave me wondering if I every want to visit “that place” again.

So…..if you notice me changing my mind or mulling over things you thought already decided, be patient because I have absolutely no idea what I am doing or what I want.

Lately, I am questioning if I even want to be a mother.

Advertisements

This was the best non-Mother’s Day ever!  For those of you do not know what non-Mother’s day is, it is my own little post Mother’s Day Holiday that follows the infertile day of doom.  Think of it as my own little festivus-like creation. Unfortunately I spent my Mother’s Day like many others….with my mother.  It was fine for about 4 hours, but after the 240 minute mark things went downhill quickly and I could no longer hold back the eye rolling and slap worthy comments.  Spending the day with my mother was not all bad, it did prevent me from hoarding cute and neglected neighborhood kids or walking through the park to snatch the easy ones to tie up an make them call me mother for the day.  I did have one minor lapse of craziness when I took my dog to the Frozen Custard shop near my house and ordered him the kiddie cone like usual.  Since this was the day of all mothers the lanky counter girl asked about the child of mine who I was obviously buying the 10 and under cone for.  I don’t think she got it when I told her he is the best hairy child a mom could want.  Her head cocked to the side in confusion when I added that he is so smart for his age and he already knows to pee in one area of the yard. I was ready to defend my purchase, he is only 2 1/2 and the board indicates the cone is for those 10 and under  – no mention of the cone being for humans only.  C’mon……could you deny this dog son frozen custard?

dscn1726.jpg

I didn’t think so……Although he looks quite content sucking the marrow from that cow femur. Who would have though that he refuses those dog ice cream treats and prefers the real stuff.

This year Mother’s Day came and went and since I am of the child bearing age people assume I am feverishly fertile and consequently with a kid or two in tow.  Unfortunately, I am not, but since my husband is so damn smart he thought I should get a present for trying really hard to be a mother.  You could about imagine my surprise when he bought me this for non-Mother’s Day.

my bike

The best part is the saddle – it has a strip of faux leopard skin down the middle and is so cool I hardly want to straddle it.

super fly saddle

Now I can ride to work in style.  I will be the talk of all the bums I see daily on the greenway commuter router gulping their mouthwash at 6 am (they are NOT concerned about the freshness of their breath).  So, who needs kids anyway?  I get awesome presents for not having them and this bicycle is built for only 1.

Perhaps next year I will get a child bike seat…..I will only put it on my super cool bike if it matches the saddle though.

Even though I have been ultra busy lately, too busy for IVF even (more on that later), I have been finding time to hit up all my favorite boutiques and stores.  A very good friend is getting married in about a month and I want to look smashing for the event.  I set aside a chunk of money and wouldn’t you know that I could not find anything I like that fit the outdoor British Colombia wedding on a lake look I was trying to match, until I found this….

prodimage.jpg

And to match, I found these……

shoes1.jpg

The shoes are Kate Spade….. not that designers matter though (ummm, yeah right!).  When I showed the lovey bride, she loved it and said I wll match the tableclothes.  Which, believe it or not is a huge compliment since she bought some of my absolute FAVORITE fabric for them and her future MIL is making them up.

Now I need to find a clutch and a wrap.  How did people ever “work” without the internet?

Two posts from me in a day, this must be really good…..

While sitting in the consult room after my wanding this morning I was staring at inspiration poster that had the annoying message of “the only thing certain is change”.

Ah, no, the only thing certain is that my body will always defy the norm.  When my protocol insists I go on birth control to prevent cysts, I grow monster ones.  When I stimulate very well for IUI’s at another clinic we transfer the same protocol and then I hardly stim at all.  When My reliable 28 day period needs to be the closest to 28 days possible for IVF timing, it winds up being 2 weeks late.  And let us not forget, when we need to start our final round of IVF so we can be out of this personal hell, my E2 comes in at 46 – a bit too high to start this cycle.  They want to retest tomorrow, but I already know the result will not be in my favor.  Also, why would I want to go ahead and proceed when the cycle is already a bit compromised from the start.  There were 3 residual cysts on my scan this morning and I fear they will be problematic if we do in fact proceed.  Part of me wants this over-with, but then the other part wants to proceed when the timing is optimal.

 Right now, the optimal timing looks like after my marathon in October.  We could strive for August, but why not wait another 6 weeks or so and then I can at least accomplish one of my goals before I turn 30 since I will not be done with my MA degree and I certainly won’t have a child by then.  What is time anyway?  I mean, it will have be only a year since our last IVF?!?!?!  Just a year…. oh, but I am young and I have plenty of time (insert sarcasm).

So, after 6 weeks, the red flood gates opened and the sticky strawberry stain returned.  To the order of the nurse I saw on Friday, I called in on Sunday to let them know the fun was beginning, but they merely sounded annoyed that I would page them on a weekend.  In my defense, I did exactly what they told me to do on Friday and I even waited until after 9 on a Sunday morning after knowing that this wold certainly be day 1 since I started spotting the day before and only after I left a message on the VM line that nobody returned.  Who really should be inconvenienced here?  After all, my period was delayed because Curt Nurse refused to talk to Dr. Bowtie to make sure I was supposed to go on the pill in the first frickin place.  I knew she was wrong, I should have pushed her more, but I didn’t and wound up with another cyst and a 6 week cycle throwing me 2 weeks off my ideal IVF time.  No grudge, though, huh…  They better not pull any funny business at the scan and blood draw this morning.

I wish I could remain optimistic about this cycle. I am not worried about any of the steps as I have been in the past, but merely the finality of the outcome.  This is it.  After this, it will be over.  We ordered our adoption paperwork and started filling it out. As soon as we get word of a negative outcome of this cycle it will be in the mail.  I am sick of waiting for motherhood and after much thought I decided that I can wait no longer.  The donor eggs from the sister are a  great option, but she absolutely understands our “all or nothing” situation if we proceed in that direction and very willingly agreed to be a donor 4 or 5 years from now when we may want another child.

With that said, does anyone have some optimism they could lend me for the next few weeks?  I am , unfortunately, just looking to get past this last reminder of our failure.

Hmm…. well, I just did something I may regret.  May?  WILL regret.  In a drunken swearing off children forever state, I just signed up for my first marathon this October.  The registration is final and since my husband has already been telling people I am training for a marathon, I feel compelled to actually do this.  Since I have already lost my two pointer equivalent toe nails (I am one of those genius people whose pointer toe is longer than their big toe.

Yup, that is my foot.genius toe

I guess genius may be the wrong word since I spelled it wrong and spell check had to catch it for me?!?!?!  I will blame it on the 5 (I stop counting after one hand) beers I just consumed….  At least I do not have the webbed feet Aston Kutcher does, although I could find no good photos of his “webbed feet” so I think it is just a marketing rouse…….Damn Hollywood.

Am I crazy?  Can I really run a marathon?  How will I ever stick to a regimented training schedule since nothing regimented in my life ever works out?  What if I get pregnant?  HA, I can almost feel my belly growing in retort to that statement.  I had three goals for myself before I turn 30: run a marathon, have a kid, get my graduate degree.  So far I have accomplished none of these fine goals because I got the order wrong.  Apparently, I should have said fuck it to the have a kid goal and gone to school to make lots of money and then trained for a marathon while “relaxing” from my high profile successful job and then miraculously I would wind up pregnant.

Hmm…  I I should go to bed now so I can get up and, uh, yeah, go running?

What is the maximum amount of time a girl can use PMS as an excuse?  I have been really hungry lately, and I am very tearful lately, and I can go from tears to rage in a minute.  This has gone on for the past 3 weeks solid. When does this just become my personality rather than PMS.  The connect the dots game playing itself out on my face would indicate that my period is coming, but it is taking it’s own sweet time.  After a long phone ordeal with the nurses at my clinic, they did agree to see me today so that I could start Provera if need be and still hopefully get this final cycle in before we leave for BC.  I fudged the date that we are leaving a bit because I don’t just want to get the retrieval/transfer in – I want the results in.  Although, if my cyst has not gone away yet, this could be all for nothing and the waiting game will continue.

So, my period is officially 2 weeks late, but who is counting anyway?  An just for clarification – I AM NOT pregnant.