Two posts from me in a day, this must be really good…..
While sitting in the consult room after my wanding this morning I was staring at inspiration poster that had the annoying message of “the only thing certain is change”.
Ah, no, the only thing certain is that my body will always defy the norm. When my protocol insists I go on birth control to prevent cysts, I grow monster ones. When I stimulate very well for IUI’s at another clinic we transfer the same protocol and then I hardly stim at all. When My reliable 28 day period needs to be the closest to 28 days possible for IVF timing, it winds up being 2 weeks late. And let us not forget, when we need to start our final round of IVF so we can be out of this personal hell, my E2 comes in at 46 – a bit too high to start this cycle. They want to retest tomorrow, but I already know the result will not be in my favor. Also, why would I want to go ahead and proceed when the cycle is already a bit compromised from the start. There were 3 residual cysts on my scan this morning and I fear they will be problematic if we do in fact proceed. Part of me wants this over-with, but then the other part wants to proceed when the timing is optimal.
Right now, the optimal timing looks like after my marathon in October. We could strive for August, but why not wait another 6 weeks or so and then I can at least accomplish one of my goals before I turn 30 since I will not be done with my MA degree and I certainly won’t have a child by then. What is time anyway? I mean, it will have be only a year since our last IVF?!?!?! Just a year…. oh, but I am young and I have plenty of time (insert sarcasm).
So, after 6 weeks, the red flood gates opened and the sticky strawberry stain returned. To the order of the nurse I saw on Friday, I called in on Sunday to let them know the fun was beginning, but they merely sounded annoyed that I would page them on a weekend. In my defense, I did exactly what they told me to do on Friday and I even waited until after 9 on a Sunday morning after knowing that this wold certainly be day 1 since I started spotting the day before and only after I left a message on the VM line that nobody returned. Who really should be inconvenienced here? After all, my period was delayed because Curt Nurse refused to talk to Dr. Bowtie to make sure I was supposed to go on the pill in the first frickin place. I knew she was wrong, I should have pushed her more, but I didn’t and wound up with another cyst and a 6 week cycle throwing me 2 weeks off my ideal IVF time. No grudge, though, huh… They better not pull any funny business at the scan and blood draw this morning.
I wish I could remain optimistic about this cycle. I am not worried about any of the steps as I have been in the past, but merely the finality of the outcome. This is it. After this, it will be over. We ordered our adoption paperwork and started filling it out. As soon as we get word of a negative outcome of this cycle it will be in the mail. I am sick of waiting for motherhood and after much thought I decided that I can wait no longer. The donor eggs from the sister are a great option, but she absolutely understands our “all or nothing” situation if we proceed in that direction and very willingly agreed to be a donor 4 or 5 years from now when we may want another child.
With that said, does anyone have some optimism they could lend me for the next few weeks? I am , unfortunately, just looking to get past this last reminder of our failure.
Relaxing in the Parlor 