As I was sitting at my desk being utterly miserable I decided that one thing I could do to make myself feel a little better was perhaps write a post.  I never e-mailed any of my readers to let them know about my blog change so I am pretty much doing this for my own personal benefit.

First off, I hate being infertile.  I hate that this involves two people’s emotions and choices and that I am not in control of anything.  I hate being in huge debt for something I want so badly that others take for granted.  I hate that this is my life, my reality, my here and now.  I hate pregnant people and co-workers with new baby girls.  I hate the baby chime at work that already announce that a set of twins was born just an hour ago.  I hate what this has done to my marriage, that my husband feels he is no longer my dream.  I hate that this has utterly taken over my life. I hate that work is piling up on my desk because I cannot think about anything else.  I guess I am just full of hate today.

I am at a miserable loss for words right now and for a non-cryer I cannot seem to turn off the spigot that is flowing from my eyes.  I kind-of removed myself from the blogging community in an attempt to “move on” – although I do still check a few blogs somewhat regularily….but, I felt the whole obsession and comparison was just stopping me from, well, from being happy.  When I first came into blogging I was distraught and it was such a relief to have access to a community that could really empathize with me since I felt surrounded by fertile people who never, ever could.  I stuck with it for a while, but then we had to put off our final IVF becasue of a DHEA study and then a cyst and then a vacation, so here I am right now in the middle of our fast failing third IVF with the same misery that I had a year ago when I got into this.

The call came in this morning at 7:12.  Of the 19 eggs retrieved, 15 were mature and only 4 fertilized normally. I should be happy, I know, to have at least some fertilization.  But the last attempt we were in the same boat but with 5 normal fertilized eggs. None made it to 8 cell for for the 3 day transfer. My fertility is rapidly decreasing before my eyes and I am not yet 30.  It just hit me that I may never have a biological child.  I may never get to be pregnant.  I may never get to enjoy that precious moment of seeing your new child after labor and realize that this was all worth it.  I may never get to nurse my baby or buy maternity clothes.  I will never be part of the new mother club that every girl so desperately desire to hold a membership card to. 

Before today I was 100% content with adopting.  I still am, but I want both options and secretly that is where I was hoping this would end up.  Is that really too much to ask for?  Geez, I already connot get knocked up on my own and have to PAY for SOMETHING that many have for FREE but now I have to start to make choices on my next steps that are purely financial?  This just seems wrong.  I want to adopt and I love the idea of it and I will love my child the same no matter where they come from or how they get to me, but does the process have to be so full of sacrifice and misery?  I guess I always thought that part came after the child was born?!?!?

I am having a hard time evening pulling it together to make it till Thursday for the transfer, if there is anything even to transfer at that time.  I want to move on and start our next steps, which will most likely be adoption, soon…now…today…this moment.  I am sick and tired of waiting and doing this for the past 4 years.  It has turned me into someone i am not.  Someone I spent the past few months while not in treatment trying to get rid of.  Someone I do not like very much at all.  At what point does this temporary me become the new me?  If we do adopt, will I ever loose that strong feminine urge to bear a child or will I, a non-regretful person, regret that I did not pursue it more when I had the chance.  OR do I have the chance, we cannot take on any more infertility debt. 

I guess I am just lost and upset and I wish it was 2 week from now so I could do something about it rather than just sit and wait.