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I have been a bit of a cave-woman lately.  Don’t be offended if you have not heard from me.  Up until a little while ago I was not even taking calls.  I didn’t want to talk about “it”.  I still don’t.  I don’t want anyone to make me sad (I can handle that myself).  People tell me they are sorry and then I cry and then I am sad all over again after I just got out of that place.  Plus, I have nothing to say. It is kind of funny how I could so quickly recess into social oblivion.  I know my old self will return, it is already starting to this evening, but it will take a while to be back to normal.   If normal even exists after 4 years of dedicating yourself to a failed cause.

Seriously though, this last failure hit me pretty hard.  I have been crying on and off for the past few days.  It is like my eyes have the tears on call and ready for service. I need to get away from the point where just thinking about something sad makes me cry. Up until this point I have been too sad to even post.  The nights are the worst since I have been waking up with mini panic attacks and I feel like I cannot breathe and then I start thinking.  Last night I took some perc0set so I could sleep through the night and go figure, I woke up at midnight with massive itching – if it is not one thing it seems to be another.  The thinking is the worst. I cannot turn off my thoughts.  They seem to be sabotaging me.  It all seems so final.  We are done.  It is over.  I am finding myself yearning for more, even though it will never work and I know that.  I miss the hope that comes along with each cycle.  The knowing that pricking myself with 3 needles a day in the belly and having a wand shoved up my hoo-ha may actually make me suffer enough that some baby will take pity on me and choose to reside in my uterus.  I miss my doctors and clinic staff.  The thought of not seeing these people that I have come to appreciate over the past few years saddens me. I feel like they really care about me as a person.  They have given me so much support and since we just failed they are now gone.  I am not ready to leave them yet. I don’t get to leave their clinic as a success story, but rather as a file that eventually gets filed away in the FAILED category.  Don’t worry. I am not taking the failure personally, with a feeling that we did something wrong or that we are imperfect, but I just wanted to leave there with a baby.

It just feels so weird to be done.  I am not ready to mourn the loss of being pregnant and giving birth.  I am not certain that desire will ever go away.  The Mister keeps telling me it will take time.  I know he is right, but it just is so overwhelming right now.  I am tinkering with the thought of actually seeing “someone” to talk this all through with.  I know it will pass, but right now I just feel so claustrophobic and these sudden intense feelings of sadness just come out of no where when I am doing so well.  I have never really been to a counselor consistently before and I don’t know where to start.  I guess I could call the nurses at our clinic and get some suggestions, but I have never been someone to get my support in that way.  I would have to establish rapport with them and then I hate the fact they are using some form of  psychology on me so I would try to outsmart them.  I know this defeats the purpose and it is kind of strange, but it is just who I am.  Throughout this whole process I have gotten my support from my doctors and the nurses. Remember the conversation I had with that kind embryologist I spoke of on Monday, I need that right now.  I want to sit down with them and work through this. They know me and my situation. They have given me the kind of counseling I have needed.  The kind that works for me.  Now, since we are not pursuing anymore treatment, they are out of my life and so is my medical support / counseling.  It is just so scary to do this alone and the thought of bringing someone else into the mix now just seems useless.

Now, since I am starting to get myself down again, I am going to drastically change directions and write about something happy. I cannot get myself all worked up before I go to bed. I just changed itunes to a more upbeat song.  I need to end on a high note.

The Mister and I have been making strides with our adoption paperwork.  In fact we turned it in yesterday.  It was kind of surreal.  He is so incredibly excited and he keeps reading me passages from ancient Greek literature regarding references to the Ethiopian people, their customs, and their beauty.  Today he told me if we get a boy referral he is going to buy the boy a Poseidon token for his neck because of the historical references between Poseidon and the Ethiopian people.  I suppose that story would make more sense if I told you The Mister wears an old coin with Athena on his neck that he got when he lived in Greece. When he bikes he puts his wedding band on the chain. I have always loved it in a mushy, girly kind of way, although mentioning it to him would ruin it and he may stop wearing it altogether – he is funny that way.  Later, he was picking out girl names based on ancient Greek mythology.  It was weird for me to hear him say that Cassiopeia or Andromeda would be good girl names.  I can’t say I agree with him exactly, but he is just so giddy and excited that I would not want to disagree at this moment. I have never seen him have this much of himself emotionally vested in the process of having a child.  He already loves this baby that we do not yet have.  It is quite sweet and it makes me know it will all work out.  For once I feel like we are really in this together.  We set up an adoption blog already. – together.  He is planning out posts and researched a bunch of historical and cultural information for links.

I guess it will be alright after all, I just need to get through the next little while.

Some valium would help a bit, is that so bad?