Because of NaBloPoMo, this blog has become my ugly step child. This is sad because here I can be my usual crass-ass self and not worry about my mother reading.  I guess I am just so busy that I have less time for crass-assness.  Ah, that is definitely not true, I am just suppressing it.

I need to start letting it out in little bursts.  Like this….

I love beets.  But someone really should have told me that they make you pee red.  I knew about the poo discoloration, but not about the pee.

I ate beets like crazy last week and then Friday night as I was preparing for the pregnancy ambush that only kinda happened I saw red.  I have gotten over seeing red that should not be present in THAT area, but this was due north a tad and I had the swirling rose colored evidence to prove it.  Friends were over at our house at the time and even though we know them very well I could not call them in to verify.  Instead I suppressed my fear and sat in the car silently on the way to the restaurant.  Obviously abnormal behavior for me because they all kept asking what was wrong and I finally blew that I needed to go to the hospital because I was bleeding.  Bleeding in my pee.

Mr. Jitter’s eyes grew huge, our male friend stared at the dashboard & our female friend shouted. ” you have been eating the CSA beets, haven’t you?”

Unfortunately for me, a beet terrine was the featured appetizer that evening. I chose the cauliflower puree and justified my choice to the server who had been filled in about my quandary that I needed it, ” to balance out the color a bit….”

Since I have stepped way over the line, I will add that the following foods cause odors or discoloration in that area  – please let me know if I am missing anything so I can prevent being surprised again.

  1. asparagus.  Even the writers for Austin Power’s know about this
  2. coffee.  Stinky coffee pee
  3. onions. Mostly pee, but after french onion soup both output valves are affected
  4. captain crunch.  I think it is the food coloring, according to a site I luckily found explaining green poo.

There are some things my mother really failed to tell me.  Add this to the list with never sit on the seat in a public toilet, drinking a jar of pickle juice is not a good way to make an impression on a first date, and it is not optional for cars to have their oil changed.