What the…


Remember that pregnancy ambush I was worried about a few posts back.  It kinda never happened that night, but it is lurking around me waiting to pounce as soon as I am weak.

You are probably asking how it kinda never happened.  It either did or didn’t, kind of like you are or are not pregnant.  Ha, if only life were so simple.  If only…

It kinda never happened only because it was kinda never admitted.  Make sense?  Well, we arrived first and had our drinks ordered.  The couple in pregnancy limbo arrived last so it was incredibly noticeable when she held the menu up to her face and asked the server for something non-alcoholic.  Bah, like I am that stupid.  When the server presented her with options, she asked especially for the decaffeinated ones. Hmmm…. None fit the requirements of her hidden fetus so she settled on water. Tap water because apparently bubbly stuff gives her heartburn.

If drinking just water wasn’t enough of a sign, how about the touch of her leg by her DH while asking how she was holding up.  Mr. Jitter’s and I adore each other entirely, but he has never asked me how I am holding up unless I am doing something that is hard – physically or emotionally or when I was briefly pregnant.   Kinda funny, don’t cha think…

If that is not enough, add to the evidence the following conversation at house.  Me: “Would you like some coffee? It is decaf.”  Her: “What kind of decaf?”  Me: “Do you mean kind of coffee or how decaffeinated? If so, it is chem free decaf.” Her: “Oh, great, I need to avoid the decaf chemicals.”  Me: (in my head) yes, beatch, would that be for your little secret that you have to avoid chemicals…..

It has not yet been confirmed that she is in fact knocked up, but the evidence seems to mounting in favor of that assessment.  I can understand that it may be early and she may not want to share her news yet.  I respect that, but come on, don’t give me so many clues.  Mr. Jitters has the male version of preg-dar and he was even picking up the signs.  At dinner he whispered in my ear, “Well, babe, at least our kid will have playmates. You do know that our kid is in the world right now waiting for us, right?  We will be great parents.”  I didn’t need the reassurance, but it was nice to know this was not just me acting overly infertile.  On the good side, it was our night to talk about our adoption and it was not dwarfed by another stupid pregnancy announcement.

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On a slightly different stupid pregnancy announcement note…….

I am currently in Madtown for work and I just got pregnancy ambushed by a recruit.  I informed her about our summer internship and she proudly announced that she is having a baby in late June so that would not be an option for her.

Are there no boundaries or limits?  Not everyone cares about your random announcement.

I ignored it and said, “well take the info anyway in-case you change your mind.”

I wanted to add…… 

……or in case life hits you head on and bites you in the ass and everything that came to you easily that you feel entitled to is suddenly taken away from you.  Just, saying, you know, I know a few “folks” who that has happened to.

Fill in the blank with what ever adjective you desire after reading this. I chose the f word.

I got an e-mail from the acupuncturist I used to see for fertility. She specializes in women’s health and supposedly has a strong rate of getting women knocked up. I did enjoy her services, although they did not help anything, they were relaxing. I am by no means saying acupuncture does not work. My belief is on the contrary, but it did not help my pregnancy related issues and that just sucks. It was expensive and time consuming and now stressful.

The acupuncturist I saw acted very compassionate to the emotional stress of infertility and informed me that she would like to focus on this area and combine her acupuncture with yoga to help infertile women with a mind body approach. Good idea, well, if once women get pg they magically disappear and are not spoken of ever again. When will people get it that these areas cannot overlap if the application is truly going to be therapeutically beneficial??? There is no benefit of my acupuncture appointment if I leave the room and am bombarded by the herd of pregnant women attending prenatal yoga and having to hear them complaining about having to run to the bathroom often during class (my acupuncturist in in a yoga studio). This happened when I had a Saturday morning acupuncture appointment and I soon avoided this time slot for the very reason of wasting the $75 the session cost me. When I provided feedback to my acupuncturist about this I sensed she didn’t get it.

Now I know she didn’t get it. Not too long ago she send an e-mail to her client base, mostly infertiles, letting them know of her new location/services. Click it and find out why I am so pissed off that I have not found a productive way to respond. I could inform her of her poor business decision, give her the harsh reality, or just ask to be taken off the list. The last option seems too simple becasue I do feel the need to be justified as legitimately annoyed by her actions. I guess that fact that I will no longer recommend her, which I had done quite a bit, is all the action I will probably take.

She doesn’t get. She never will. She will probably throw some mind-body-shit at me about why I can not see the value of this. I will not return to her services….EVER.

There are some wonderful things about being a woman.  Don’t expect to find much mention of those things here tonight.

It bothers me that in this day and age, I have to be more fearful than ever about things like running by myself after sunset.  With daylight rapidly fading, I am finding time for my workout schedule cinched to right after I get home from work and before I start making dinner.  I am hungry and tired then, but if I chose to eat and sleep I get crabby and fat.  Men do not have to think about this.

(luckily) Mr. Jitter’s knows me well enough to volunteer to run with me after dark.  Tonight was one of the first really cold days, so I dressed warm and looked like a child still dressed as bum from Halloween next to Mr. Jitter’s in his fancy windproof running clothes. After he stopped laughing at me, he found some items from his collection that I could wear.  YEAH, RIGHT.  He has 2.3% body fat.  I have 16% body fat.  Enough said.  Out of fear of freezing I obliged and wore a tight fitting shirt obviously not made for any woman with curves since it kept maneuvering itself up my midsection with the speed of a child riding the big slide at the state fair. Nothing like making a crabby girl feel better.  Don’t even get me started on the vent about the marathon finisher jerseys we paid for received that were only available in men’s sizes. – tight on the hips and wide in the belly.

Back to point one of my rant.  As we were lapping the lake, I heard myself say: “This is my least favorite part since it is below a bank and I hate being here after dark, but someone would be much less likely to attack us since there are two of us and you are a man.”

So, there is it, a pair of balls gets you built in security and mainstream clothes that you do not have to pay extra for to fit your biological shape.

I know it is Saturday and nobody reads posts over the weekend, but I did not have time to post this on Friday and you all have to hear read it. If you really want to hear it, I can transpose my voice like a monkey or transformer or many other things – sorry, I have found some funny sites and I need an excuse to send a Monkey Mail to someone who is not sick of them yet. Warning: it is addicting….

So as I was flying around on Friday morning trying to get some work prepared for a presentation I was due for in less than an hour someone at work pulled me aside and said “When you bring your baby home from Ethiopia, you are going to give them a good name…right? Not one of these hard to spell and pronounce foreign names?”

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I have never been a good come back girl. I could compare myself to George and the Jerk Store comment in well timed snarky response to stupid comments. I can think of stuff after the fact, but never on the spot. That is why I had many comments mastered for infertility and could snap off some good ones, for example (yes I did use these – seriously).
1. Oh, you need to lie still and prop with a pillow after, (or other stupid assvice for “something” we all know how to do) …..Oh, I did handstands for a while but after my wrist surgery they got kind of dangerous and I was afraid that I would hurt myself and poor Mr. Jitter’s would be left trying to defend why I broke my neck during…

2. Oh, you are so young, it will happen you just need to wait. …….Well, actually, I age in dog years and since we have been trying for 4 years your time so I have been technically trying for 28 years and that is a heck of a long time, longer than any of your friends who just waited, right?

3. Have you tried prayer. I will be sure to pray for you. ……..Thanks, but why ask God, he couldn’t even get Mary pregnant and had to use immaculate conception.

I was really getting good with my delivery of this wit and then we switched to adoption. Now I need to come up with another stupid list of stupid things stupid people stupidly say so I can respond to them and strut away to give myself a high five for being so awesome.

So, here are some responses I am working on, but they all lack the sharp, sarcastic wit of above and most are really just mean & stupid. Please help me develop a response. I am begging for some snark.

To the question: “When you bring your baby home from Ethiopia, you are going to give them a good name…right? Not one of these hard to spell and pronounce foreign names?”

My proposed responses…..

1. Well, your name is …….. I find that kind of boring and hard to pronounce so it just depends on your perspective.

2. Actually, my husband and I are planning on changing our names also to better fit with our child’s Ethiopian name. The problem is that I cannot decide if I want to be Ang.eli.na Jo.lie or Ma.donna. He is obviously Br.ad Pitt, but I kind of prefer Ma.donna. See our problem?

3. The jerk store called. They are out of you.

Help, please help.

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Note: to figure out how we do feel about name changing in adoption, please check our adoption site….. (this should motivate me to actually get the post proof read….)